SCREW YOU LIFE!

Now I believe that happiness won't give us any move to be creative, sadness did!

Hi, my name is Nadia and I am going to be 23 yo next year. I finished my study with average GPA and bunch of certificates. I am continuing my post graduate study in the same previous university though I am waiting to be accepted in a very high class university in Asia. I got accepted in one of the best banking company in nation, but I pending the result until I finished with the school announcement thingy. My boyfriend is currently working in a national construction company with a small salary that he always complain about. He is going to continue his master and is about to push me away since I can't help him much but give him more pressure instead.

People may think I am not so grateful kid, I can continue my study for free (I got a scholarship when I decided to continue my master in my last university) although I demand more to be accepted in one of the most prestigious university in Asia. Once I went to job interview, I suddenly accepted without much difficulties, in the other hand, many many of my friends are still struggling with their own. I just need to decide where the best place I want to settle in.

That was anything people MIGHT think!

Do you know what I really feel inside? do you know what is bother me a lot to be me??! Well, I am not going to push people understand me. I don't give a shit to the nice quotes, I know that life is as bitter as stomachache pill.

I am 23 yo soon to be woman that never has an obligation to decide her will. I am the first child who complains a lot about how things are need to be prepared and placed in the right order and direction. I am the kid who never satisfied with anything except how her boring life could result so many creativity sometime (including this blog). I am the girl who always looking for the better options but desperately needs attention, affection, and love. I am the worst girlfriend ever, the one who pushes her boyfriend to have the same standard as I do. I am demanding too much. I am giving too much. And anything more than much is worth lesser than crap! That's me.

I told my boyfriend today that I am tired of being so jumpy about life. At times I envy with his personality, he's kind of bubbly. He has lot of ideas, affection, and happy things to be gratitude. I can't be like him. I can't enjoy every single time I have, I think I waste it a lot (or I actually don't but I over-thinking everything).

The most devastated part of my life when I realized that my friends are gone, one by one. It seems that my life doesn't revolve around them anymore. My friends have goals, too. I cried at nights wondering why this crap happened to me. I want my life back! I want my friends back! I want my boyfriend loves me without any worries about future! I want an indulgent life without any discomfort called transition!

This December, the enrollment result will be launched. Maybe, I move to the north. Maybe, I will move to the capital city to work. Maybe, my boyfriend will always love me. Maybe, my boyfriend will get tired of me. Maybe, my friends will miss me. Maybe, they will forget me. Maybe, I labelled as the selfish one. Maybe, they will understand why do I did such things.

I don't want to make an excuse of my childish idea about future. I am not a coward. I am just a desperate kid who demand the assurance of future and I will fight for it. I will work for it. I will do anything....anything I possibly can do to pursue a better future for me, for my family, for my relationship, and to make my friends proud and love me.

I am not give up in this life. I will fight back. I will survive.
Please God, let me...  

*I hope someday I will be seeing the sun rises/sets and talk to God. "Thank You My lord, You let me survived from sandy, I feel so relaxed...the pain fades away :)"