despair in waiting

Sometimes, I want to scream all aloud "why me? I'm only 20"
But it sounds teenage, I knew.

Then I cover up whole my face with pillow. Try to sleep. Try to be normal.

I'm not normal, I knew.
I want to be normal.

Normal hand,
Normal minds,
Normal sleep pattern,
Normal emotions...

I know, it's too late for a regret,
I even don't know where is the best part to start all over again.
I forget how it feels, when the things are going well..

All I remember is: "anything becomes worse, and worse...better is temporary..stable? Never"

I hate myself for having unstable personality. You know,
"when sometimes, you think you're happy.. The next hour..you feel tired and silly.. At night you regret to be happy.. Then start to count the misery.. And you think life is never going well..then you sleep.. In a despair"

What a heck?

Is that Him? who's you're going to beg?
Do you believe God will heal you?
Do you believe God will give you grace?

You fight on your own toe,
Or you come to God...and say... "Yes, I'm a weak, please, safe me"

At some moments, I wonder, what should I do?
I pray.
I become a religious.
I stay.
I fight.
I sincere.
I confess.

But sometimes, those things are not enough... So, what should I do, Dear my Lord?

"Tuhan tidak akan merubah nasib suatu kaum hingga dia merubah nasibnya sendiri..."

Give me Your Bless
Give me Your strength
Give me Luck
Give me hope
Give me answer...dear God.
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