May 16

Hi world! It's middle of May already and today is Thursday. I have my shift at lab this afternoon, though I am so lazy at this moment, it's much better than do nothing at dorm. I really want to write many stories, but it's so hard to form them in good sentences. This condition might happened because I wasn't read any good book these recent months. Dan brown book is already launched two days ago, I really want to get one.
My school is mostly so-so. Some courses are hard, I even don't have any idea how to deal with several of them. It's getting difficult because some courses have Chinese characters and all. But I think, I can maintain most of them, I don't really go to malls or clubs on weekend. I am good girl here. Now, I am craving for Indonesian malls. Though Indonesia isn't that good, it has pretty good malls and places. The cafe, the cinema, the malls, the food stalls, everything. Besides, my feelings are so unstable here. Too many things happened in short period of time, I lost my boyfriend got a new close one, but still not happy. I don't know what people look in me. I am not that tall blonde or at least Asian beauty. Short and little bit chubby suit my physical appearance better. Yet, I still attract some of blind guys. I have low self esteem. Most of time, I worried about my study and everything, I wish I could get everything perfect but yeah... that's too much.
So, as usual, my life is so hectic from Monday to Wednesday. In Wednesday I have 3 straight classes from 9.00 am to 9.30 pm. I always so tired mentally and physically, to 1st thing I did last night was lay down on my bad, stared at my ceiling and wonder why life could be that tiring.
Madhu comeback at 4 am yesterday, or this morning. I think, she had lot of work in her lab and she wasn't in room at 11.30 am this morning, means, she slept too less. I think I should tell Madhu sometime, she can't do this to her body.
Right now, I suppose to read my Physical Engineering handbook and do the rest questions for my homework. But then, I was so distracted. I only read two pages, and my mind wanders somewhere else. I think this might caused by lack of sleep, and I got nightmare last night.
As a girl, or woman, getting married will be very good idea. I mean, we don't have to think this much on studies and duties. But maybe, it's partly untrue. Last week I had small talk with my Korean classmate, she said, "life after marriage is a labor life"
That statement scares me like a lot!! I am an industrial engineer and I know exactly what does it mean to be "a labor". You are an asset, and expected to give as much outcome as possible. Gosh... I think I trapped in a joke called "adults life". Of course, some of adult things are so excited, but well, most of them are forbidden in my religion. Let say, drinking, dancing in night club, or having sex partner. Those things are strange to me and I don't do most of those lists.
So, I got many conflicted area in my head. Some part of me doesn't want to comeback to my old life. Life, here, is so colorful and I met many good friends, got so many surprises more than 22 years of my Indonesian life. But, some part of me, really want to go home. It's all easier at home. A safe place called home and good people called family.
Most of time I wanted to cry, how could I do this and that, how could I break my relationship that I thought I wanted it so bad. How could I made another relationship based on so many differences. How could I keep walking in many uncertainties.
I wonder, how people feeling about me. Do they care of me like I do care to them? or, I waste so much time thinking on some insignificant matters.
Madhu, Diana, Isa, Daly and Daline, Jammie, Jojo, Keke, Fish, Cindy, Abui, Ci Suri, Novie, all of them are the best pals I have at this moment. Including two Germans that I spent most of week with them. I become truer by days, but I become different than I used to be. This condition confused me. Should I stay the same or should I accept these changes? I am afraid I won't fit anywhere. I always have an intention to be weird and I hate that.