Far From Home

Despite that my everyday life is beautiful and far from problems, I keep maintaining this loss. The loss of being indifferent and confused.
Everyday, I keep separate my heart into places. The wonderful past is always belong to home, family, and friends while I am adjusting here. I changed a lot and I am constantly changing.

I know that I am quite adaptable, even if my Chinese is still so limited, but most of time I can relate to my Chinese counterpart and make jokes with them. But, am I being more Chinese now? I don't think so.

Back to my old social circle, do they forget me? in fact, not. I still have couple loyal friends and I think I might survive back home. But, am I the same person once I left home? I don't think so.

Right now, I just finished a letter for a friend. He is now working in "Indonesia Mengajar" (teach indonesia), and he placed in very very remote point in Indonesia. Far from everything, even electricity.
Once, It was also my dream to really work for the community and to contribute myself in something I really want in life.
But, at this moment, I can't.
So I decided to help him via letter. I made a letter for his students and I might also send postcards to those cute jungle-kids.

I am so happy to do things like that.
But I realise, we cannot live only by idealism. Or can we?

At the same point in my life, I am so uncertain about what should I chase in life.
Some people including my boyfriend are really sure of what they do and what they leverage in the future. For years, I am still searching and searching. I jumped to one thing to another thing just to make sure that I like things I did.


For example,
My boyfriend knows he wants to graduate and continue PhD or to work somewhere in Asia preferably.
He really knows what he's been doing and he invests himself in his dreams.
That's what I like about him, that his passion is contagious.
He knows that material things in life should be align with more mattered things in life, like family, hobbies, sports, animals, and love.
I can see that someone is content just by seeing his/her vision towards life.

So, let's get back to me.
I still have no idea about my thesis topic and life after master in general.
I don't want to get back to my old life.
That life was so comfortable but also meaningless.
I opened my eyes only to count the time until I hit the bed.
My life was bread and circuses.
I want to do something big and something good!
Something that made people remember me not because my attributes but because I did something that will always remain in people heart.

I don't want to be like my friends back home, most of them are fat. Ewh, no. I might starve myself rather than being fat. It's totally not my dream to be fat and happy.

I want to be happy but not fat!

I want to live in a place with fresher air,
I want to live without being worried of future,
I want to do something important for myself, like helping animals or gardening.
I want to write something readable,

I spent, I don't how million hours to read and to consume words without making any single output for the input I've been consumed these years.

I want that society, especially my society understands that there is nothing wrong with being agnostic and having mixed relationship.
I want to carry my home wherever I go.
I want to be with people I love, but I am afraid of any commitment that may hurt us at the end.

Am I so delusional of thinking like this?

But above them all, I am still questioning...
Is it this life, we write our own history or if there is a Higher power who manages these things?
What should I tell to my mom if I want to say, "mom, I want to be agnostic!"
Even in my country, you have to pick a religion.
Hufft.

After all, 20s is the most important time in life, a time of making many fundamental decision in life such as study, career, setting goals, meet our lover, and construct myself to be a better adult.

I am sure, I made a good decision for being far from home. Because only in this way, I can invent myself.
Now I understand that I am different and I am, it was not just my delusion.
Now I understand that I want an equal relationship, it was not me being feminist.
Now I understand that the reason I am being far, is to see my home in bigger perspective.
And I never leave home with empty heart.

My heart is always belongs to them, for good and bad.