Note

As opposed to what many people believe, there is nothing culture does to shape someone’s mind. I am a native Indonesian, and by norms I should’ve an Indonesian mind, they way they are thinking. But I am not.

My life experiences shaped my character to skin and bone. I was born as awkward child since kid. I am a left-handed and I am not good with society. I was trying hard to fit in. I managed to have several friends, but I can’t be always myself. I lived that way until my early 20s, I already felt comfortable for not being myself. Living in Indonesia means we have to adjust in the society that sometimes value more on things you can’t earn.

Living in middle class family but studied in top schoolers go, I feel bad about myself. My friends in general are wealthy kids or super smart ones. I trapped in the middle. I learned the hard way; I wasn’t fall into neither rich nor smart category. I was thinking to beat them, to be richer or smarter, but I was wrong.

Those material things that I can’t pursue only with ambition, is either to blurt out myself or to draw me back from the purest truth. The truth is, I wasn’t happy.

The pressure that my surrounding gave to me, I absorbed just right away. I became moody and groggy; I was far from happy and nearly depressed.

It is not good to be a groggy young-adolescence. In short period of time, I have more people talking behind my back than real friends.

People think I am shallow, while I was trying to be honest to everyone and myself. I was trying to be an honest achiever person. This quality might be normal in western world, but not in eastern part of the globe.

This quality is considered to be ungrateful!

Since that time, I aligned to different direction from my friends. I started to like things people don’t and I started to challenge norms. While I am doing so, I feel just great. It is like; we can do just anything in this world. I am not afraid anymore of being talked about and being underestimated. I proved that we could just erase our past and start new environment.

I started to be different; some people start to adore me, some people hating me. None of them understand me. I might be blindsided by my dreams, and do nearly everything to reach safety and comfort. To reach things I want. I jumped from one challenge to another, I feel always thirsty and hungry.

While this characteristic is considered to be ungrateful, shameful, and bad, my new environment think this quality is just normal. There is nothing wrong to be just “hungry and foolish”. I liked it so much to live outside of the box and have new relationship with people who understand me… but fish cannot fly, right?

I am afraid that if everything will be over, I would come back to my original place and treated differently. I don’t want to be just an ordinary middle class family which mocking other people’s dreams.

I don’t want to fit in. I want my environment fits me. If it’s not here, I am happy to fly somewhere new. I am just so excited about other possibilities that I could have in this world, leaving everything behind and just be grateful of myself.