just another blabbering

this is not the first time i have this kind of feeling but i cannot express it. people may see how light and how tender i can be in social but still i cannot tell them what i feel inside. i know i am weak, for the past years i always try to pretend i am not or try to change myself and i end up being more suffered. it is not about my course nor my environment. i like it here, i found new friends and new family, i do not miss my home that much. i just, cannot handle people coming in my life. when they enter your life, somehow you'll get feeling that some people will leave some memories that you cannot erase just that. it's not the things they said, nor they did. it's all me. i was so stupid, i was being too friendly and open to people. i risk my feeling. now, i hope more but at the same time i know i can't. people easily moved on when they saw the road is a dead end. but for a girl waiting in another corner of the room.. we just wonder, who will brave enough to passing. waiting is a hard thing to do. i still remember how my experience started. i was so light, tender, and happy. i end up having crush with stranger, and my heart were broken. it wasn't work since the beginning. i knew that. but i like how i risk my feeling for that. how weird, rite? now, i can't tell my friends why do i am sad, should i tell them that i made a same mistake and i couldn't help myself but enjoying sadness? should i tell them, i thought a boy likes me but i just got wrong because he did to everyone. should i tell them, that i always have that crush to particular type of person but i know we just can't. should i tell them, that my boyfriend at the opposite is the one i thought will comfort me, isn't understand the depth of my feeling. after all, i think we have to enjoy life. even it has no meaning... i like it here, I am happy here. i might be alone but i am not lonely. i feel peace. a weird thing that rarely happened.