My OWN happiness

Spending days mostly alone, far from home and not having that much friends, I realise that, even if I am such an extrovert person sometimes, I have to survive being alone.

these days I did research about "how to enjoy being introvert", because frankly speaking, if only I have my friends here... I wouldn't be this indifferent. If I have my family here, and all the facility they provide me, I wouldn't be this messy. If I have my sisters here, I won't need youtube, or ninegag, or anything to entertain me. If I have my boyfriend here, I wouldn't cry myself because I feel lonely and empty. 

Because I know, they will always make me laugh. 

I am such a sensitive person, I cried watching illegal fishing videos and laughed badly watching random satire-commedy videos. As a person, I can grasp people feeling easily, I am a feeling-sponge. I am a mirror to someone's emotion. But noooooooooowwwww...... the only human here is me.

the only way to reach my love ones are through technology, texting, emails, calls. and those technologies still can't beat the direct presence.

I read books and articles about "how to make myself happy, how to boost your efficiency, and how to keep me efficient"... but I told ya... it's all bullshit. I neither improve myself, nor make my moods in control.

then I came to conclusion.

I am the one responsible of my own happiness. I can't blame the world because all of my love ones are far, I choose to be here. I choose not to attach with people here, I choose not to open up just to anyone, I choose to be like this.

I know it is bad to spend most of time alone or not having fun at all, but I don't feel like I have that much energy to bridge new relationship.. I don't have that much energy to always shine and nice.

Sometimes, I want to be hugged without even telling my sadness.

Sometimes, I want people to understand without questioning.

but! I understand, it is not people responsible of my happiness.

If I want to be happy but I don't have that much energy to open up to people, make first contact and all... the least I can do is... analyse my own motives.

the reasons why I am being here

good memories

positive people that loving me continuously

good music

my dreams

my fears

my ambitions

my self...

When I was young I learnt "don't get too attached" because, people might betray and fail you. people whom you love, may not loving you back. and you NEVER can be like his/her projection of person.

But now, I also learnt "don't be bitter" life might give you lemon, but we can make lemonade. In the past, when people hurt me, I choose not to hurt them back. I knew I also did hurt people unintentionally and I did feel bad. 

But, being positive, is important.

introvert and positive, sounds weird, huh? but I am.

I can't wait until I can meet my friends and be extrovert again.

I can't wait until this crappy phase of my life passes.

I want to be a serious writer, I mean, write serious things.

I want to make my lovely ones happy... I don't know how, but if I have less things to do, I will have more things to do for them.

at the end, my conclusion is:

"I can make people happy if I want to, but my OWN happiness is not their responsibility"

maybe it sounds weird, but at least, that's what I can conclude now... 

and yeah 100 years from five for fighting *my all time song... inspires this post. 

I wish I could get back to 15 and do things differently, just to make sure that whatever I did in the past, today is a blessing, and my past didn't that matter. It does matter, but it also not that MATTER 

I can't wait to be happy again, to enjoy the time as if no time differences. 

I'd be so haaaaappppyyyyyyyyyy if I can proof myself that I am stronger than:

loneliness

time difference.......... uuuhhh I wish I can adjust my sleeping time like I set my alarm :(

my school things

my own fears

so, just let walk the walk... :)