23

I am always questioning myself, what I really want from life? What am I going to do?

Time moves so fast and I already 23. My boyfriend told me that this could be wonderful. But, is it?

The more I get older, the more less ambitious I become. I wonder sometimes, why does my parents has so much ambitious towards life but I don't.

I did my best but I failed to meet my target, I don't know what happened with me. Am I that bad?

I keep questioning myself. I feel I am too stupid for some things. I feel bad about myself. I'd like to burn my dreams and realising my limit. But in other hand, I don't want to give up.

I always twisted, and I knew it. I cannot be with someone whose not having depth feeling like I do. 

I am blabbering too much, I know. But, this is the only way I can be true to myself without getting judgement from others.

People think I do have good life, I know I do. Compare to my Indonesian circles, I do have better life. I have education, I have enough supply, I have boyfriend that really amazing. But, compare to my friends in general, I am nothing.

They believe that because of my english, I can be succeed. In fact, I don't really trust myself. I easily lost in balance. I don't know if I can make it or not.

Hmmmm, I know it's not good to question yourself like this. I know I should live the days and not to think about bad things.

There are some good things also about my sickness that I think a little bit cured:

1. I am not that stalker anymore, I understand someone's privacy and will not dare to get to know deeper because I respect them not because I am afraid to get hurt. I should get this idea from the very beginning... when I respect people, I tend to be more honest and trustable. 

2. I feel completely understand what commitment is after I broke many many of them.

3. Life is all about options. I just need to be careful to take action. I need to think more and more, and be more patient. 

4. I do believe in real love, I do believe that I can do it. The only thing I can hope is, he will think the same. I cannot do this alone. I need him.

5. I will leave everything just to be with him (?) or do I?