I know, writing will release my pain, my doubt, and anxiety. I don't want people to see me gloomy, dark, undetermined, weak, and helplessly naive. I want to present myself as a strong, cheerful, welcome, and warm person. I want to be funny and cheer up the world, even though I know that I am not kind of joker, but I am a joke enthusiast.
I keep questioning myself, "do I take the right path? do I happy? do I do things as I planned? do I stand up for what I want? do I'll earn money and be stable financially in the future, by my own? do I'll marry the man I love? do I'll be young forever?"
Our mind is interesting place where we question ourselves most of time. Some people let the questions go, some people take it deeply. I always try to present "light and cheerful" but I do think most of things deeply. I can't lie to myself even if I tried to.
I like the idea of being enlighten by life. I tried to live my life to the fullest, go with friends, talk to them, listen to their stories, care to their problems, give them shoulders, and laugh with them. But sometimes, I locked myself in the room and absorbed all of their sadness and worries.
I was sad because one of my friend is liking a boy since she was in fifth semester but they probably have no chance to make their feelings real, even though they both know they want each other! then a minute later, I think, this problem could be mine.
I was sad because some of friends don't get what they deserved. I knew we worked so hard to be graduated from uni and we wanted to take the world in the palm of our hands, but not many people are lucky enough or patient enough to make it true.
I was sad for them, and those emotions absorbed by me very deeply. How come this world is this cruel? Why does, bad things happened to good people? Why does good thing happened to me, even if I am not good enough to get it? Why does people fail me when I did a lot of effort in it?
I know these phase of "questioning" will end eventually. I'll grow old and have a family. I might give up something in my life but I think I'll also achieve something. Like this life is not mysterious enough, choices take place to make us even more confused.
For example,
usually in Indonesian restaurant, you'll have fixed menu with the price listed. Usually, in a normal restaurant the menu won't be more than 50 options.
Differently with Chinese restaurant, the list might probably only 15 kind of different foods but they have 3 or 4 different sauces, and 3 different sizes. So they will have approximately 90 menus. They make it assembly to order kind of restaurant. So many choices, so many possibilities.
I know this is a random example. But I can understand, why does some people are simpler and the other might be more complicated. Why does some people are shallow and some are genius.
The different perspective towards life will result different outcome. It is not like "what you eat is what is out" it's more like, "how you eat is how your body will react"
I think, all people are born genius but how they shaped by environment and value, will determine their potential. I might not be a lucky one in this thing, My mom and dad are considered to be smart people but I don't and never have their ability on calculus or physic or chemistry. I never understand when they started to talk about fiber resonancy or why does wind or stream have something to do with vibration.
I was born and raised in the generation of 90s. Where tv channels and movies are more inspiring than half-translated indonesian math and physic books. I was born to the exposure of western thinking and the freedom idea its offered. I read their fairytale before I understand my own folklore. I remember the story of Snow White better than I remember the name in Bawang Putih Bawang Merah. But I never have a strong fundamental backbone like them. The freedom of thinking isn't come from family value, it comes from tv.
But somehow, I understand, sooner or later, we'll transform ourselves to be more like them, like they did transform in the past. In terms of thinking. The saddest thing that I realised is, I already too old to embedded myself with my own root. I should've known better of my identity so I could grasp the value and meaning.
Why does we live differently and why does we want to transform? Why does we head our goals to be different than our predecessor?
Why does I find myself truer in english rather than Bahasa, even though Bahasa is already so efficient in terms of using. 70% or our words are loan words, and it's good somehow. In fact, it is explained why does our characters are so much vary.
Well... the more I think of these confusion the more I felt lost and somehow relieved.
at the end, my name means hope for a reason. I am hopeful.
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