i'm not counting anymore and i feel stupid

i'm not counting days anymore... i feel it's too hyper sentimental. so, i decide to go with the flow, survive the emptiness.
i feel lonely, guilty, and angry.. but (yeah, that was classic scenario)
i feel i don't want anything else except getting alone.
i know that i am a loner (and get worse after i break up)

this is the short interpretation of my story these months:

i met a good man. i always stare at him. he seemed so gentle. charisma. optimism. down to earth. diligent. and strong willed.

but he also a sad man=(
he tried to forget his past, a past which is make him sad. and feel alone.

(i want to make him smile that time.... really want to...)

and we had a really nice talk, and i like him. i adore him.

he was sweet me, and i knew he is romantic guy.
and that time, i don't need anything except maturity love and a smart talk... to face the new life, the maturer life. (now i feel stupid for that...)

so we were just friend for months...and he came to my life after leaving me for months(again). then we decide for being bonded. we were happy couple. a good team. and we always have passion in every dates.
then suddenly he broke his faith... and BUM!!
nothing's left.

now, i am not sure that my existence is important for him... he likes his old times much more than me. (okay, he will blame me if i am thinking of it, but why he did that to me?? why?? am i deserve for a betray?)

i do ANYTHING for him...
i do anything to make him happy, safe, and comfort.
but why he makes me bleed ?

okay, he really makes me bleed on my knee and hand...
i got an accident when i pick him up
but it is not about the wounded
it's about something wound inside...

and my emotion control always makes me get in troubles
i cannot filter any word from my mouth (i am a big mouth and sneak head. bad combination.)
and he is too high to forgive my word

and we ended all this as enemy.
(no comment.. i'm just retell the causes of my unconditional blog post recently.)

sigh =.="

so, i can't feel anything now...
i think he likes me.
i think he loves me
i think i've made him happy

but maybe i am wrong... it is okay.
and that is not important for me anymore...
all i want is he deserves the best
and i never remember him as enemy
he is friend... a good man

i let him go
let this pain lack on my heart
and hate that why he did to me (sometimes)
but, i don't want anything else.

i am sick of love.
so, i'm not counting anymore