everybody hurt

i figured out, i made the biggest mistake in my life, it was so little time and i put so much there. it was a risky decision since the beginning, i was so challenged in whining.

i was obsessed to balance. i tried so hard to make the things right. my study, my works, my love life, my family, my hobbies, my dreams. Now i know, i can't afford them all at time. i need focus. i need a step. and i have to trace from the edge patiently.

did i tell you that i am just normal girl? like other girls, i fell in love in romance and the idea of family, i was blinded by spotlight.

like other girls, i took anything too deep, while boys were mingling and playing around, i thought they were serious. I thought, i could count on them for any girl's insecurities. but relationship is all about giving and demand. (do i sound so stiff?)

maybe i am.

i know i am a difficult person. someone whom i desire must be an extraordinary one. i want someone setting his goal high, having a good sense of arts, stable in financial&emotional. i want someone mature.

while, i am not mature at all. i was easy tempered person. i uses logic, so i weaken my sense. i was so afraid of getting hurt, i locked my heart deep down inside. but still, it can't avoid the cult of damages. i feel the pain, still.

so, i conclude, besides i was unlucky for being played by someone. i think the problem is inside me. if i knew since the beginning, i couldn't make it, i don't have to gamble that much.

if i realize that his wishlist wasn't attached to mine, i thought i should consider the effect and all impact, if, i was getting hurt again.

i learned too late.

i am devastated. now, i have no boyfriend, my scores fail me, and i feel "eliminated" from my society (i was chaotic and anti social because of this).

i want to cry.

i want to cry so badly.

but no one besides me :(

i was so naive by pretending so strong while i am not.

i was so stupid of being not myself.

and i was so stupid of being trapped between delusion and reality.

i knew i could have anything, if i want to.

but now i learned, not all my wants suited best to me.

"what's the point of getting if i can't keeping it?"

i already forgave him (who played me like this :( ). i know everyone made mistake. i don't hate him, or the other boys who also try to play me. i forgave them all. they will learn something after me. it always like that, i am the girl who made people learned :(

okay, maybe i will cry all alone. :'( isn't normal of being sad, is it?