Me and my sickness

For many years, I've been crying before bed.
I shattered by so many things happened in my early life.
In elementary school, I was an astronomy book junkie. I was thinking that everything in this universe has a specific cubicle pattern. I started to know about number of phi 1.6181, then I started to know about big bang theory, black hole, red stars, blue stars, yellow stars, milky way, and also the formed of mars mantel.

When I was in junior high school, I started to like novels. Fairish and Dealova, a cheesy one.
But I also read: burung manyar promodya ananta toer, cerita rakyat dari blora, aku tsumandjaja, kisah novelet perwayangan, nh dini, cerita pendek kompas, last but not least anything encyclopedia.

I enjoyed paintings. I loved mona lisa, manet, and indonesian artist affandi.
I made poems. I was so good in using difficult words.
I used jelaga for ash.
I used nokhtah for blood dot
I used bayu for air
I used tirta for water
I was so good at words.

I could made intonation from words, I could made hidden meaning in every sentence.
I was emotionally rich.

Since then, I was involved in insecurity feeling.
Mostly, I cried without any reason.
I was so proud with myself.
I learned a lot.
I achieved a lot.
I didn't know about "failure"

The more I grown up, I made so many mistakes. And trapped in my disguised insecurity.
I was so afraid of red marks, so I choose to cheat.
I was so afraid of being told, so I lied.
I was so afraid of being weird, so I made up myself.

Now, I'm living with this sickness inside me. I was so, compassionate inside, but I choose to hide. Questioning almost everything, my mind never sleep, and my heart never stop from aching.

I imagine sad stories with happily ever after endings in my head, I cry, and I fall asleep.

But thank God, reading and writing keep me sane.
I hide, almost every emotion. But people knowing me best, they can read my face.

I keep telling to my brain for slow down. I keep telling to my heart for not beating this hurt.

People knows me strong. So I am.

Well, I object if you think, am living a lie! I'm not.
I just live normal.
while I'm not.

I am different
My brain function differently
My heart is too sensitive
And my intuition always lead me to something scary.

I am so afraid of people.
If I open to them, they hurt me.
If I chase them away, I can't stop blaming myself to do such evil.

Me and my sickness.
Maybe I can't describe how I feel.
Maybe you feel the same.
Maybe I was just little bit crazy, or overwhelmed.

But this is me.
And I'm working on it.

I believe God sent me to this universe, for a purpose.
Yes. For a purpose.

Nadia Aulia